Author: Cholwbicasso

In: Ummm...

2009-02-27 09:03:35

So here is this great idea I've been harping on for a while.  I had this wonderful idea to talk about some of the childhood myths and legends most of us have grown up with.. and some still living with (ahem).  These are things that were taught through school, some have been tested scientifically and some come from generations of grandparents and parents trying to deter their children from bad behaviors and other trying to encourage good/healthy habits.  Looking back on some of these, I don't think a single one of these actually helped or injured my chance of a successful adult outcome.  So, one of my favorite things to do... LIST TIME!

1. A meteor killed the dinosaurs.

Negative: Aliens killed the dinosaurs.  Where are all the YouTube clips of this great meteor smashing into earth and destroying EVERY SINGLE DINOSAUR... now let's think about this... a meteor (big hunk of space dirt) smashes into the planet. If this astro-rock was big enough, and created enough impact to wipe out ALL of the dinosaurs, wouldn't there be greater evidence of this.. like the world being smashed into tiny fragments.  I call their bluff. I think those pesky space aliens were driving their flying cars around the planet, maybe bumped into a T-Rex, and scared the ever living crap out of themselves.  So what do they do? What any normal person would do.. SHRINK-RAY! Now thanks to the crazy alien race we have lizards and iguanas.

2. Dinosaurs are extinct.

Negative: This will contradict my first historical correction, but let's be honest. Again, a crazy pack of shrink-ray toting aliens can't shrink EVERY dinosaur on the entire planet.  The word would have gotten out to the dinosaurs and spread throughout the giant reptile community (we saw Independence Day).  These guys did what any self-loving giant reptile would do... put on the scuba gear and head to the bottom of the ocean and wait a few billion years before resurfacing and reclaiming what was rightfully yours to begin with.  "But Chowlb, we have submarines that scan the ocean floor and we never see pictures of them."  You're correct, because the dinosaurs are smart, they don't want to be seen.  They have freakin scuba gear for Pete's sake.

3. There's a monster under my bed.

Nope: They're in the closet.  As you grow older and buy a house or rent out an apartment, you become more aware of this phenomenon.  The monster under the bed trick was to keep your skinny butt in bed so you didn't go scrambling all over the house at 2 AM.  Instead you lay there thinking there's blood sucking bone crushing monsters waiting to see little feet hit the floor before pouncing on you.  In reality, they're all in the closet.  That's where all the toys are, isn't that where you would be?  There's nothing under the bed, the only monsters there are dust bunnies, although in our house... they can be quite hideous.

4. If you eat a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach.

On the fence: I wish this were true... I've eaten a lot of watermelon in my day and I'm sure to have ingested some of those pesky little seeds.  This would explain the weight gain... no?... you mean it's not a watermelon in there... what was that about hamburgers... and cholesterol? I'm sorry, you won't have a magical watermelon inside you if you accidentally ingest a watermelon seed.  I mean think of all the other seeds we eat on a normal basis: sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, peanuts, peas, etc...  But the ONLY, and I mean ONLY thing that can grow in your stomach is watermelon. They enjoy the high acidity levels, perfect for that summertime crop. 

5. Carrots enhance your eyesight.

Nada: While carrots are a very healthy alternative to girl scout cookies, eating 12 lbs of carrots will not increase your eyesight.  This was a ploy set in motion by mothers worldwide.  Carrots are a relatively cheap veg, that's why they sell them in bulk.  No mother was short on carrots at any given meal, and you had to eat it.  Why? because carrots actually make you see better! It's true, if you eat enough carrots you'll eventually have x-ray vision!  I love carrots, raw, cooked, smothered in ranch. I have terrible vision.  If carrots were that good for your eyes...why would we need an eye doctor?

6. Sticking your finger in a light socket will electrocute you.

150% Accurate.  Just thought I'd throw that in there. Kids do not try this at home.  All the negativity kinda made me want to throw in a positive message at the end. 

So there you go, just a few of the childhood myths and legends debunked.  I hope I didn't ruin anything for anyone or break any hearts.  I know some of these are hard to understand why we would be lied to for so long.. but the truth is.. our parents were lied to by their parents and etc...  Don't worry about feeling betrayed, love your parents, for you never know when the dinosaurs will revolt.

(All illustrations by Chowlb. Not for re-use, please contact me chowlb@chowlb.com. My dinosaur looks kinda like a dragon and your finger doesn't fit into a light socket like that either..)

COMMENTS:

Commented By: moc.blwohc

On: 2009-02-27 16:00:30

Ok so what about the chupacabra and your face getting stuck if you contort it in a strange fashion?